Last night my doubt blossomed.  Lately I've been divided, making progress in gratitude by day, and, silently, subtly, letting myself grow arrogant, by night.  I have been counting everything around me as an obvious, kind gift, but tucking away my own ability to judge character as a personal claim.  On the outside I've reflected all of God's glorious blessings back to Him, but on the inside, I have been hallowing out.

Last night my deeply held grievances with God's course of action and overall wisdom were fully loosed.  For some time, I had been giving them some voice, but with a screen of false humility and mock submission.  I hadn't realized how deep the well really was.

And, as I gave them full voice and was left in my own frigid company to ponder these things which had issued out of my mouth, I came to a horrid realization.  I realized that even if God was evil, I would still follow Him, because no one can beat Him.  It would not be noble to resist the Almighty, it would be insignificant, and nothing more.  Ultimately, might is right.  And my soul sank further at this thought, although hope had already been dashed.  An irreconcilable resentment flashed against God, Who so oppresses.

But then I had the gentle, but crisp, thought that God cannot be evil.  For morality itself is bound up in Him.  He is the Creator, and He is not wrapped up in laws, but is free spirit.  He is Life.

I started venting a bit more with a friend of mine, online, and said that I saw no reason to ever rely on faith.  I was set on having God present to me as I would have Him.  And I finally met with conviction for my foul arrogance, which the Lord cannot tolerate, yet deals with in remarkable patience.  My thoughts went to Job, and the Lord's answer to his complaint.  I had talked about Job earlier with Sarah, about a week ago, and then saw her post a long excerpt from it on one of Stephen's posts, a few days ago.

I read of the Book, and prayed feverishly for mercy.  I recalled that I am but the dust of the earth before the Almighty Lord, who will not be made to answer to hypocritical, spoiled children.  For so long I had utterly forgotten the beginning of wisdom, the fear of the Lord.  I had lost myself in how perfect love drives out all fear, even though I am not a perfect lover, but self-centered to the extreme.

I am a sinner, and I forgot that before our God Most Holy.  I am mere creation, and I ignored that before the Eternal Creator.  Never again will I doubt God's loving kindness.

Nothing,
Jake